I’m coming up on my two year surgiversary and I wanted to talk a little about this weekend…and non-scale victories. To say they don’t still shock me sometimes is an understatement. I forget. I forget I’ve lost the weight. I forget that people don’t see me the same anymore. Sometimes I forget I’m not that same 360 lb girl who just couldn’t, because of her size.
I started off my Sunday kayaking. It’s a smaller kayak, one where the weight limit is 250 and it’s not really meant to push the limit because you will flip it over if you do. I LOVE the fact that I didn’t even have to think twice about getting in and rowing off shore. I love the fact that I didn’t have to worry if my legs would fit, or if my butt would fit, or if I would have the stamina to get far out there off shore and row myself back. I was out on the water for 2 straight hours. Didn’t come back in, and didn’t stop besides for photo ops. I felt free. Freedom is something you don’t often feel as someone over 300 lbs. You feel trapped, squished, overwhelmed, discouraged, judged….the list goes on. When you can just enjoy and go, and do….now that is a victory!
I finished off my Sunday at the Incubus concert. Now most of you who’ve ever been to any sort of concert you’re either standing/sitting on the lawn, or you have tickets. I was lucky enough that my dad got me killer tickets….but then you deal with the dreaded seat. The stadium seating. The fold up kind we all know and hate. Tiny seats meant to pack as many people in as possible. The amazing part was that I fit. I fit in that seat comfortably. I crossed my legs sitting in that seat! I was able to sit back, enjoy the show, and not once think about encroaching on someone else’s personal space! Actually, I felt terrible because the woman next to me was a big woman and she was trying her best to take up as little space as possible even though she was actually sitting partially on my seat as well. I saw her trying to keep her thighs together as to not be on top of me, and yet she couldn’t, and ended up having her leg against mine. I remember being her. The last time I was at that concert venue I was her! Of course I was polite and smiled and would never make her feel uncomfortable about being in my personal space because I know the other side of the coin ALL too well. But it got me thinking….as I sat and enjoyed my concert how many people weren’t. How many people might be struggling to make themselves “smaller,” at that very moment. How many people might be shifting over and over in their seat trying to get comfortable with a body that was just too large to fit. I felt sad for those people, because I was those people. I wished they could know what it was like to be on my side of the coin, because it’s wonderful. It’s freedom.
Even writing this blog post I am sitting on the train and I am no longer the girl who is too big to have a laptop in her lap. My belly doesn’t get in the way of me typing on a train or a plane. I am sitting next to a gentleman who has two huge shopping bags and a backpack and we are comfortably seated without infringing on one another’s personal space. I no longer feel when I get on the train that I’m the person people cringe to have to sit next to. I actually get hit on when I’m on the train from time to time which in and of itself is a mind fuck haha (but that’s a blog post for another day).
For all of you out there enjoying these same freedoms as I am now, remember you’re blessed. Whether it was VSG, RNY, Banding, none of the above….if you’ve never been overweight even but are reading this and can’t quite relate to what I’ve been saying….you’re blessed. Take a moment today to be proud of how far you’ve come and remember where you started!
For those of you who are still living the before. Who are struggling and trying and just aren’t there yet…I understand. When I say I understand it’s not in that condescending way that people tell you they “get you.” I lived it. For 20 years. I was you. Part of me will always be like you, struggling, fighting, pushing forward, not wanting to ever go back. Be strong. You can be anyone you want to be when you try hard enough. Keep pushing, and working and going because trust me, it’s fucking worth it. You’re worth it. Freedom is worth it. ❤