I’ve been sick. REALLY freaking sick. I hadn’t been that sick in years. I was so sick with Strep throat that I couldn’t even swallow. A steroid course and a few days of antibiotics later and I’m first now just starting to feel like myself.

What I want to talk about though is food. How come healthy eating seems to go right out the window the minute we get the sniffles. It’s not cultural, religious, a matter of age or sex or race….we all seem to do it! We look to food for comfort the minute we start to feel under the weather. The thing is, it’s exactly what our bodies DON’T need at that point. We are run down, feeling lethargic and tired. Our bodies are aching and what we need is plenty of fluids, fruits, veggies, and to replenish our bodies with the nutrients we are losing while fighting off whatever we have. Yet as soon as I feel even a cold coming on….I want cookies, and cake, and pasta, and pizza and puppy cuddles. Ok, ok….that last one maybe just is me haha. I couldn’t even swallow and yet all I thought of was junk food!

Some of us clearly cope differently than others and resist temptation. I won’t say better, because who am I to judge. We are all adults and can make our choices, so saying “better choices” is wrong in my opinion. Maybe the phrasing is appropriate choices. Some of us clearly cope differently and make more appropriate to the situation choices than others.

I for one had this notion that as I lost weight and saw the weight come off I would never want these bad foods again…because why would I want the things that got me to where I was in the first place. Why would I want these trigger foods that I know could result in my failure to lose or even worse, gain!? (Any of you feel the same way or have that same idea of life post-weight loss?) But two years out and 135 lbs later and you know what…I crave it. I do. I WANT junk food. It scares me sometimes how much I want it. Knowing that my pants might get a little tight and I might not be moving the scale in the right direction is not always enough to talk me down off that proverbial junk food ledge. It’s something I am working on and will probably work on consistently for the rest of my life….but these foods are an addiction. I will save a whole blog about food addiction for another time, but the struggle is SO real.

I want to be someone who just doesn’t want it. Someone who says food is fuel and nothing more. Someone who eats to live and doesn’t live to eat, but it’s not me. It’s not how I was raised, it’s not how I cope with things, I tried and I’ve failed. I still turn to sweets. I still crave pizza and tacos and pasta every damn day…but thankfully I do and will continue to make better choices now. I don’t give in to all my cravings like I used to. Some days I fall off the wagon, and then I get right back up and on it instead of making it a month-long binge of doom.

So I guess what I’m saying is, it’s ok to not be a different person post extreme weight loss (not that you need my validation!). I’m saying to myself, it’s ok not to be a totally different person post extreme weight loss. It’s a matter of knowing who I am, and learning to deal with my habits, triggers and coping mechanisms in different ways. Maybe we will always be people who turn to ice cream and cookies when we get sick, but maybe we buy a single serving of ice cream instead of a gallon, or a single pack of cookies instead of 3 different boxes. Now that I’m back on the mend and feeling myself again, it’s time to stop “allowing” myself cheats. It’s time to be hold myself more accountable and this is the first step.

When I started this journey I had so many expectations and at the same time I had no idea what to expect at all. The fact that I am two years out and still figuring it out….maybe that’s ok too! Here’s to the upcoming week and making good choices!!

Much Love,

Irena

(My under the weather puppy snuggle pics. They’re the best company ever! Don’t mind my face…look at those puppy faces <3)

 

I missed posting about my two year surgiversary. It was July 21. With all the things going on in my life (more than I’ve even remotely shared), it came and went. It’s not that I didn’t acknowledge it, I just wasn’t ready to talk about it. Honestly, I was feeling disappointed in myself for not having “achieved more.” Well…my mom gave me a stern talking to, and after much reflection I decided I need to talk about it. I’ve lost 135 lbs. A whole other adult person is off my body forever. I have also turned my entire eating habits around, changed my physical fitness lifestyle, got a new job and become, so far, the best version of myself I could be. Do I think I should’ve lost more…yup. Is my journey over? HELL NO. Not even close! This isn’t a race. This isn’t timed. I need to stop comparing others’ lives and bodies and abilities to my own. Even if it takes me another year to get to my goal (which is to lose another 45 lbs) I WILL get there. Even just this week, I had put on about 8 lbs in working my new job…just with long hours, drinking more alcohol, less time at the gym….and I’m already down 6!

I CAN DO THIS.

Every year for my birthday (which was July 9^th), I used to make the same birthday wish. I used to wish I could get it together and lose weight. To have the strength, and courage and determination to not let myself down another year. And every year I’d start out well during the summer and then my seasonal effective disorder would kick in and I’d be a miserable hibernating bitch all winter, lose all momentum, and gain it all back. Well by summer would roll back around and I’d be mentally feeling great again…it’d be time to make that same birthday wish all over again. I’d been making that wish since my 13^th birthday. I just turned 31. Last year was the first time ever that I didn’t have to make that wish because my journey was already in progress and this year I’m proud to say, that wish is a distant memory. It’s something I will never take for granted, but will never have to wish again.

As I sit here and think of all those wishes gone unfulfilled I only have myself to blame…but the time for blame is over. The time for blaming myself still is over. I have reached 2 years into my new life. 2 years of hard work and dedication; trying to unlearn and un-live 16 years of bad habits and poor choices. 16 years of failures and empty promises to myself. When I think of it that way, I am doing amazing. I have become someone a few years ago I never thought would be possible and I now don’t just wish, I KNOW that I can be more. I can be better. My next birthday can be even more amazing then that last!

To all of you struggling thinking it’s not enough. That you’re not enough. Be proud of your progress. Every day is another day to make a positive change for yourself. If you wake up every day wanting something so bad…wishing on every candle…it’s meant to be! As long as you’re willing to work for it. I am still two years later willing to work my proverbial and slightly literal ass off for it. My goals don’t end here.

7-21-2015

My new start. My new life. I own it…and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to be proud of it.

Much love,

Irena

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