I missed posting about my two year surgiversary. It was July 21. With all the things going on in my life (more than I’ve even remotely shared), it came and went. It’s not that I didn’t acknowledge it, I just wasn’t ready to talk about it. Honestly, I was feeling disappointed in myself for not having “achieved more.” Well…my mom gave me a stern talking to, and after much reflection I decided I need to talk about it. I’ve lost 135 lbs. A whole other adult person is off my body forever. I have also turned my entire eating habits around, changed my physical fitness lifestyle, got a new job and become, so far, the best version of myself I could be. Do I think I should’ve lost more…yup. Is my journey over? HELL NO. Not even close! This isn’t a race. This isn’t timed. I need to stop comparing others’ lives and bodies and abilities to my own. Even if it takes me another year to get to my goal (which is to lose another 45 lbs) I WILL get there. Even just this week, I had put on about 8 lbs in working my new job…just with long hours, drinking more alcohol, less time at the gym….and I’m already down 6!
I CAN DO THIS.
Every year for my birthday (which was July 9th), I used to make the same birthday wish. I used to wish I could get it together and lose weight. To have the strength, and courage and determination to not let myself down another year. And every year I’d start out well during the summer and then my seasonal effective disorder would kick in and I’d be a miserable hibernating bitch all winter, lose all momentum, and gain it all back. Well by summer would roll back around and I’d be mentally feeling great again…it’d be time to make that same birthday wish all over again. I’d been making that wish since my 13th birthday. I just turned 31. Last year was the first time ever that I didn’t have to make that wish because my journey was already in progress and this year I’m proud to say, that wish is a distant memory. It’s something I will never take for granted, but will never have to wish again.
As I sit here and think of all those wishes gone unfulfilled I only have myself to blame…but the time for blame is over. The time for blaming myself still is over. I have reached 2 years into my new life. 2 years of hard work and dedication; trying to unlearn and un-live 16 years of bad habits and poor choices. 16 years of failures and empty promises to myself. When I think of it that way, I am doing amazing. I have become someone a few years ago I never thought would be possible and I now don’t just wish, I KNOW that I can be more. I can be better. My next birthday can be even more amazing then that last!
To all of you struggling thinking it’s not enough. That you’re not enough. Be proud of your progress. Every day is another day to make a positive change for yourself. If you wake up every day wanting something so bad…wishing on every candle…it’s meant to be! As long as you’re willing to work for it. I am still two years later willing to work my proverbial and slightly literal ass off for it. My goals don’t end here.
My new start. My new life. I own it…and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to be proud of it.